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Hard up for things to blog about? I know I am. Just look at this lame excuse for a blog. No updates in almost three weeks? What's up with that?
Fortunately, the fine folks at Quirk Classics have saved me -- and perhaps you -- from blogger limbo by offering up something cool to write about. Our approaches will have to differ slightly, though. You see, I get to write about the free advance reader copy of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls that you might get if you contact Quirk pronto. Then, five or six weeks from now, you get to write about how much you looooooooooooooved the book. Yes, I get the instant gratification of adding to my blog today. But you'll get the free book, not to mention my eternal gratitude (or, if you haaaaaaaaaaaaaate the book, my eternal resentment). Click here for details.
But wait! There's more! Now that I'm back here in TypePadLand again, I realize I actually have other things I can tell you about. Did y'all know I'm in a new anthology of Sherlock Holmes stories? Well, I am! It's called Sherlock Holmes: The American Years, and it'll be out any day now. Some of you might be thinking, "Chuh? I bought that book, like, a year ago!" Nope. You're thinking of Sherlock Holmes in America, which I'm also in. That was a different book entirely. I think I'm the only writer who contributed to both, actually, so I guess I've successfully cornered the market on Holmes-goes-stateside anthologies. If some publisher announces Sherlock Holmes Solves Crimes Committed in the Continental United States or whatever, you know I'll be in it.
B ut wait! There's more! I'm also in the new antho Between the Dark and the Daylight and 27 More of the Best Crime and Mystery Stories of the Year. My contribution is the Big Red/Old Red adventure "The Devil's Acre." Given that I also appeared in The Widow of Slane and Six More of the Best Crime and Mystery Novellas of the Year, Wolf Woman Bay and Nine More of the Finest Crime and Mystery Novellas of the Year and Mystery Writers of America Presents Death Do Us Part: New Stories About Love, Lust and Murder, it looks like I'm cornering the market on books with more than 20 syllables in the title, as well.
But wait! There's...!
Oh. No, there's not.
Steve Hockensmith
January 29, 2010
P.S.: Originally, all the back-list links above went to Amazon.com, but this morning I changed them to other sites. You can find the explanation here. The upshot: As part of its ongoing drive to destroy the publishing industry with predatory pricing designed to move Kindles and bankrupt bricks-and-mortar bookstores, Amazon has stopped selling books from my publisher, St. Martin's Minotaur (which is owned by Macmillan). So, for the time being, the "Holmes on the Range" novels are no longer available to buy new via Amazon. I'm guessing this embargo will be lifted quickly, but who knows? In the meantime, all I can do as a wee teeny-weeny microscopic David getting squashed by this particular Goliath is raise up my wee teeny-weeny microscopic middle finger. How much will it hurt Amazon if a guy like me refuses to link to their site from now on? Oh, about this much. [Holds wee teeny-weeny microscopic fingers half a micron apart.] But, to quote an old Joe Jackson song, I'd like to think of it as another tiny blow against the evil empire.
P.P.S.: My books are available from Amazon.com again. I'm still pissed at Amazon, though.
Sherlock Holmes remains "AMERICA'S #1 NON-AVATAR MOVIE!" but it probably won't be for much longer, what with Tooth Fairy set to take the world by storm in a couple weeks. (Dwayne Johnson stars as a hockey-player-turned-magical-molar-collector? Hooo, boy -- I'll tell you what the Rock's cookin' up this time. Oscar gold!) So I guess I'd better review the new Holmes flick while it's still reasonably fresh in everyone's mind. You know how quickly even big smashes fade from public consciousness. I mean, remember Paul Blart: Mall Cop? It racked up $146 mill! Or G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra? It put 150 big ones in the bank. Or how about Shogun Warriors 2: Revenge of the Electric Boogaloo? It grossed 87 gajillion-babillion-kaquillion dollars...in one afternoon! Yet who can recall seeing it now? Certainly not me. Maybe because I didn't see it. Or, then again, maybe I did. How could one say for sure? But I digress. On purpose. Cuz I really don't feel like writing this review. First off, it's so frakking tedious getting through all the plot synopsis and production background and blah blah blah I can't even stand writing about what I'm not writing about. I just looked up Roger Ebert's review of the film, thinking I'd plug in a link to The Master and leave it at that. But he must have felt the same way I do the day he wrote his critique, because he hardly bothers with the plot at all. (One could throw in a cheap aside here to the effect that the filmmakers didn't either. I will resist.) Ditto The Onion A.V. Club, my second go-to source for insightful, erudite movie review blah blah. So I guess it's up to me. Sigh. O.K., so, there's this genius detective guy named Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) and he's kinda bummed because his roomie (Jude Law) is moving out but fortunately there's, like, an evil dude everyone calls "Lord Blackwood" (though he's supposed to be the unacknowledged bastard child of another nobleman, so how he could be a "Lord" is...oh, don't get me started) and this guy (who looks a lot more like Sherlock Holmes than Robert Downey Jr., BTW) is running around trying to take over the world by convincing a bunch of gullible twits that he's the Boogie Man or something (it's a little sketchy) and Sherlock teams up with the aforementioned roomie and an old girlfriend/nemesis (guys, we've all had girlfriend/nemeses, right?) to save England and, more importantly, America (as the bad guys go waaaaaaaaaay out of their way to announce that #1 on their agenda is invading the homeland of the primary audience for the film) and all the while in the background there lurks a shadowy figure manipulating everything, and his name is OH GOD DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY IT??? Woo. Let me catch my breath. That was exhausting. In fact, I've used up all the energy I had for this review. (As you'll recall, there wasn't much to begin with.) So I'll just be merciful and end it quick with a bunch of lazy grades. Robert Downey Jr.: B+ Jude Law: B+ Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law together: A The plot: C The deductions: D Everything else (the music, the production design, the costumes, the special effects, etc.): A Overall grade: B This "review": F Steve Hockensmith
January 10, 2010
New Year's Resolution #1: Eat less. New Year's Resolution #2: Exercise more. New Year's Resolution #3: FINISH THE NEXT FREAKIN' BOOK ALREADY!!! New Year's Resolution #4: Update the blog. Well, at least one of them is going to be easy. Hey, gang. I'm back and better than ever. (Or at least rounder than ever, thanks to my annual holiday gorge-a-palooza.) I can't promise that the next two months are going to be overflowing with updates here (see Resolution #3). But at least I can kick off the new year with a few quick plugs to prove I made it out of 2009 alive and didn't O.D. on spritz cookies or something. *You can go here to see the fabulous Jen Forbus' report on a recent evening I spent gassing away at the fabulous Chagrin Falls Branch of the fabulous Cuyahoga County Public Library. One advance warning, though: There are some not-so-fabulous pictures of me. I assure you, my hair usually doesn't look like a soppy pile of seaweed washed up on the beach. I could pass for the "BEFORE" picture in an ad for Pert. It must have been the digital camera Jen was using. Yeah, yeah -- that's it. It was the camera, people. I swear I looked fabulous! *You can go here to listen to me and my old buddy Mike Wiltrout croak our way through the Big Red/Old Red story "Dear Dr. Watson" (courtesy of the fabulous Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine and its fabulous new podcast series). I was croaking, BTW, because this was recorded on day three of the most recent Bouchercon (which was fabulous!), and by day two I've usually destroyed my vocal cords shouting to be heard over the roar of the con bar. Mike was a wee touch croaky because he'd been up late the night before singing and dancing his fabulous heart out dressed as a banana. Fortunately, I think all the general croakosity suited the story. *And you can go here -- as in truly right HERE, no link necessary -- to see me promise to review the new Sherlock Holmes flick one of these days. You never know, with that Resolution #3 hanging over me, but if all continues to go fabulously, it'll be sooner rather than later. Steve Hockensmith
January 4, 2010
The clock is ticking, gang. It's only three months until the release of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls, after which I will either become (A) an unbearable egomaniac drunk on my own success or (B) an embittered failure drunk on Colt 45. So you've only got one more chance to meet the old, lovable me. And there's an added inducement: You'll get to hear the old, lovable me recite poetry!
On second thought, I'm not sure that is an inducement, except to stay away. I've never claimed to be a great poet. But the fine folks at the Cuyahoga County Public Library in Cleveland-ish, Ohio, have invited me to take my beret and black turtleneck out of mothballs and beat the ol' bongos, so how could I say no? Here's the deal.
Tuesday, Dec. 29, I will be appearing at the Chagrin Falls Branch from 7 to 8:30 p.m. I actually make appearances at that branch every Christmas, since it's a mile from my in-laws' house and inevitably I end up in the Children's Room reading The Berenstain Bears Go to the Moon over and over again. The difference being the audience: This time, you're invited, not just my kids. Oh, and I won't be reading The Berenstain Bears Go to the Moon.
I will be reading from The Crack in the Lens, Dawn of the Dreadfuls and (as part of the library's Poem of the Month program) my extensive collection of blank verse poesy. One caveat before you pull up in the bus you've chartered for all your friends and relatives: The library wants everyone who plans on attending to register in advance. It's still free! Don't worry about that! But if you think you can make it, go here and click on "Register."
You'll be glad you did. Or not. But I know I'll be glad. Because if no one shows up, it's back to the Berenstain Bears. Steve Hockensmith December 14, 2009
Hey, y'all! I know it's been pretty quiet around here lately. Sorry about that. All my irons in the fire got hot at the same time, so I had to put blogging and Twittering and such on the back burner. (I know I just mixed metaphors there, but seeing as they're both heating-related I thought maybe I could get away with it.) There's news to share today, though, so here I am. The scoop: my kinda-sorta comic book debut is finally available in stores. Some stores, anyway. Comic book stores, for instance. Victoria's Secret, not so much. I say "kinda-sorta comic book debut" because it's not a full-on comic: It's more of an illustrated short story. And I say "debut" because...geez, you know what a debut is, don't you? My story, in case you're interested, is called "Hellfire" and it's about this guy called "the Phantom" who likes to beat up pirates. There's a little more to it than that, I suppose, but why bother with a plot synopsis when I've got Scott Brooks' brilliant, brilliant art to tease you with instead? 
The Project That Dare Not Speak Its Name has its name spoken at last, and by Entertainment Weekly, no less: Drumroll, please!
More details soon....
Steve Hockensmith
October 30, 2009
REASON #1: The Project That Dare Not Speak Its Name is almost finished and will be speaking its name by the end of the month.
REASON #2: My issue of the Phantom:Generations mini-series is inching closer to comic book stores, and colorist extraordinaire Renato Guerra has posted some stunning sneak peeks at Scott Brooks's artwork.
REASON #3: My Big Red/Old Red story "The Devil's Acre" appears in the new anthology Between the Dark and the Daylight and 27 More of the Best Crime & Mystery Stories of the Year. Sayeth Publishers Weekly: "Readers familiar with Steve Hockensmith only from his novels will enjoy 'The Devil's Acre,' a typically amusing story featuring the Amlingmeyer brothers, cowboys inspired by Sherlock Holmes."
REASON #4: It's almost Bouchercon time! If any of you make it to Indianapolis for the convention, here's where you can find me:
Thursday, Oct. 15
1:30-2:15
Hyatt Regency F
Roundtable discussion with Jeremiah Healy, Michelle Gagnon, Tracy Kiely and Michael Kurland
Friday, Oct. 16
4-:4:55
The Eiteljorg Museum
"The Art of the Western Mystery"
Panel with C.J. Box, Blake Crouch, Craig Johnson, and Ann Parker
Friday, Oct. 16
5:30-7
Indianapolis Central Library
Indiana Mystery Author Celebration (I grew up in Indiana, y'know)
Friday, Oct. 16
9-until I pass out
The Vogue
Johnny Socko reunion show (Little-known fact: I am a funk-ska-polka-punk band's official mascot)
Saturday, Oct. 17
11-noon
Bouchercon '10/'11 registration tables
Signing, promoting, shooting the s**t with Daniel Judson and these fab folks
Saturday, Oct. 17
3-4 p.m.
Indiana Convention Center
Giving presentation ("Zoinks! Everything I Know About Mysteries I Learned from Scooby-Doo") as part of Family Day at Bouchercon
REASON #5: After all this, I'll be able to go home and finally get a good night's sleep.
Steve Hockensmith
October 12, 2009
Chirp chip. Chirp chirp. Chirp chirp. Yes, I've been hearing those crickets around here lately, too. It's been quiet, I know. Too quiet, as they used to say in the movies right before a sniper cut loose on B Company or a guy in a mask jumped out with an axe or something really big snatched up someone really expendable and ate him. Blame it on The Project That Dare Not Speak Its Name. It's also The Project That Needs to Be Finished Really Soon, which means it's also The Reason I Don't Sleep or Bathe Much Anymore, So You Can Forget About Blogging. Fortunately, it was a bang-up weekend, productivity-wise, so I'm ending it with a little treat for myself. More work! Woo-hoo! At least it's different work. What follows is a blatant rip-off of this grantastulous website. (I'm a little tired of "fantabulous," aren't you?) But there's an amusing little back story I can hopefully hang an excuse on. Here goes. Back in July, I visited my folks down in Hotlanta, G.A. (I know, I know -- I'm tired of "fantabulous" but not "Hotlanta"? Go figure.) (Oooo, now I'm tired of "Go figure.") One night, my mom had me drag out three suitcases full of old photo albums she wanted to sort through with my grandmother Phoebe. They were Grandma's, you see, and Mom thought it was time to organize them. Of course, "organize" = "throw away as many as possible." But some pics I just couldn't bare to stuff in the Hefty bag, because I Love a Mystery. The mystery in this case being "Who are these people?" When 90's in your rear-view mirror, you see, certain things start to get hazy. Hell, 50's still eight or nine exits up my highway, and my brain's all afog already. So it doesn't surprise me that Grandma Phoebe would have cherished, treasured photos of people she doesn't know from Adam (or Eve). And so I present to you Grandma's Gallery of the Unknown. (Wow, now I'm getting tired of semi-arbitrary capitalization.) (And parenthetical asides.) If you happen to know any of these folks -- or better yet, if you happen to be one -- let me know. Phoebe would love to hear from you. 
A virtual certainty: At least one of these people is named "Corey." 
One look, and you know he was king of the prom...the never-ending prom in his mind. 
Ain't love grand? 
Talk about a Bad Santa. It looks like this lovely couple just asked St. Nick to neuter Mr. Cuddles by hand, and he sure as hell ain't happy about it. IN-JOKE FOR PERENNIAL BOUCHERCON ATTENDEES ONLY: It adds much to my amusement that Herr Claus bears an uncanny resemblance to Eddie "The Czar of Noir" Muller in a fake beard. Come clean, Eddie -- do you scrape up extra dough between film festivals dressing up as Kris Kringle? It'd kinda ruin the noir cred if it leaked out, don't you think? Contact me if you want to make an offer on the negative....
Whoever he is, somehow I don't think he ever quite made it in Vegas. Or even Reno. Or even the Catskills. But on the Louisville dinner theater circuit? He killed, baby! 
It's kind of cruel to mock strangers, don't you think? So it's only fair that I present at least one picture of someone I do know. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Dorkus Americanus, circa December 1980. A.K.A. me. Feel free to write your own snarky captions. I can take it. I think. Steve Hockensmith
September 27, 2009
I know I'm overdue for an update here, but, man, I'm not in the mood. So maybe it's time for a non-update update. Here's the deal.
Every so often, I get an e-mail from a reader who wants a list of all my short stories. Inevitably, I can't find the message I sent back the last time I got the same request, so I spend 15 or 20 minutes typing up a list. And, also inevitably, I end my reply with something like, "Gee, you'd think I'd have this on my website somewhere, wouldn't you? I'll have to add this soon!"
Well, soon has finally arrived. The list is below. And just to make things a wee tad less non-updatey, I'm throwing in a bonus: my stream of consciousness take on each and every story! Here goes.
The Magazines
(1) "Promotion," White Knuckles, Issue 5 (1996)
Steve sez: "This is a 'Metamorphosis' parody/satire I first wrote in college and later got published in an obscure horror 'zine. Might be funny, I don't know. I haven't read it in 13 years."
(2) "Arnold the Conqueror," Analog Science Fiction and Fact, December 1997
Steve sez: "My first fiction sale to a professional, paying market. Yippee! Probably pretty painful to read, but I'm proud to have cracked Analog way back when."
(3) "Double Jeopardy," The Leading Edge, September 1998
Steve sez: "My last gasp as a wannabe science fiction writer. A piece of crap, but at least it's really short. I guess that makes it a really, really small piece of crap. To my horror, it lives on online. Die, bad story, die!"
 (4) "Erie's Last Day," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, May 2000
Steve sez: "The story that changed everything for me. Now I was a mystery writer! Who knew where that might lead? Bonus: I have a feeling the story holds up pretty well. You can find it in The Best American Mystery Stories 2001, if you're so inclined. Oh, and it's in Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine Presents Fifty Years of Crime and Suspense, too."
(5) "I Killed Santa Claus," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2001
Steve sez: "The first in a long string of Christmas stories for EQMM. I'm fond of them all. If they published this one today, though, someone would probably think I was ripping off Bad Santa. But my story was first!"
(6) "Strays," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, July/August 2001
Steve sez: "Sad sack Hoosier detective Larry Erie returns. The 'crime' I depict in the story was probably way out-of-date even at the time. Lame. I still like the characters, though."
(7) "Special Delivery," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2002
Steve sez: "Another Christmas story. Not much plot -- it's really just a set-up, a confrontation and a resolution. But what do you want? It's a short story. Plus, it's funny (I think), so why complain?"
(8) "Minor League," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, July/August 2002
Steve sez: "More Erie moping around Southern Indiana. O.K. story, I think. Elyse Cheney, who's now my beloved super-fantabulous agent, contacted me out of the blue after reading it, so it must have something going for it."
(9) "Fruitcake," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2003
Steve sez: "Yet another Christmas story. One of the best, methinks. Born from an anecdote my grandma told me about romance amongst the snowbirds down in Florida."
(10) "Dear Mr. Holmes," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2003
Steve sez: "Ta-da! And here they are, ladies and gentlemen: Big Red and Old Red! And the mystery world was never the same.... Or maybe it was. You can find the story here, by the way."
(11) "Animals," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, July/August 2003
Steve sez: "Larry Erie rides again, this time tracking down -- dun dun DUN!!! -- a missing dog. Boy, that Larry...he was like the James Bond of Kentuckiana. High-stakes stuff. Can you believe Spielberg hasn't made a movie about him yet? Erie: The Adventure Begins, in which our hero helps a friend look for his reading glasses."
(12) "Secret Santa," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2004
Steve sez: "Another X-mas tale, obviously. (The title's a bit of a giveaway, eh?) I like the fact that there's no real crime in this, though there is a mystery. Based partially on my experiences in the magazine business, and, yes, I do take fictional revenge on a particularly hateful boss. Isn't that what office stories are for?
(13) "Tricks," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, July/August 2004
Steve sez: "Larry Erie's back, and this time he's after -- dun dun DUN!!! (refrain) -- a missing monkey. Really. This was basically an excuse for me to recycle ideas and characters that were gathering dust in my first, still unpublished novel. As an attic-cleaning exercise it turned out O.K., I guess, since the story was nominated for several awards and ended up in an antho (the extravagantly named The Widow of Slane and Six More of the Best Crime and Mystery Novellas of the Year)."
(14) "The Case of the Unfortunate Fortune Cookie," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, October 2004
Steve sez: "One of the silliest things I've ever written. Basically, an Airplane!-style parody of Perry Mason...which was an odd thing for me to write, as I've never read nor watched any Perry Mason whatsoever. Go figure. Oh, and there's a framing device inspired by one of roommates in college, a guy who could talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. So maybe that's why I wrote the story -- as an excuse to riff on my old pal. I dunno. Talk about a mystery."
(15) "Red Christmas," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, January/February 2005
Steve sez: "Hold on a tick. Did I say 'The Case of the Unfortunate Fortune Cookie' was the silliest thing I've ever written? Strike that. This is the silliest -- and probably stupidest -- thing I've ever written. The set-up: Santa Claus is kidnapped, someone's planted a bomb at the North Pole...and Mrs. Claus is ready to kick some naughty ass! I thought I might turn this into an annual thing, sending Mrs. C off to fight injustice every Christmas. But, uhhh...then I didn't do it. Thank God."
(16) "Naughty," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2005
Steve sez: "The narrator of 'I Killed Santa Claus' comes back for another amusing (in theory) X-mas misadventure. She was the hero of the aforementioned unpublished novel, too, so I guess I had sort of a thing for her. Hannah Fox, smart-ass co-ed and disgruntled former mall elf, will we ever see you again?"
(17) "Gustav Amlingmeyer, Holmes of the Range," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2005
Steve sez: "Everyone seemed to like 'Dear Mr. Holmes,' so what the hey -- I figured I ought to bring those Sherlock Holmes-loving cowboy guys back. That title sure would come in handy not too long after this, know what I mean? If you feel like tracking this one down, you can find it in another anthology with a title almost as long as one of the stories: Wolf Woman Bay and 9 More of the Finest Crime and Mystery Novellas of the Year."
(18) "The Big Road," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, May 2005
Steve sez: "I didn't know it at the time, but this was going to be Larry Erie's victory lap. It must be a pretty good story, I suppose, seeing as it ended up being a finalist for a snootful of awards. (On the other hand, it didn't win any of them.) I always figured I'd keep on doing Erie, but three years have gone by now, and I still haven't found the time. Sorry, Larry! One day, when no one will buy any more of those book-thingies I write, I'll get back to you, I promise."
(19) "The Macguffin Theft Case," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, November 2005
Steve sez: "This is either the second- or third-stupidest story I've ever written, depending on how you do the tally. It's a pseudo-sequel to 'The Case of the Unfortunate Fortune Cookie,' using the same annoying characters to bookend a genre send-up (this time of the Philo Vance mysteries, which I've actually read). I always meant to do one more so I could pretend it was a trilogy -- three just seems like such a better number to end on than two. But I never got around to that, either. Notice a trend developing here?"
(20) "Naivete," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2006
Steve sez: "Here, the bad guys from 'Naughty' become the anti-heroes of their own little Christmas tale. It's probably a tad broad, but I still like it. Humor, holiday uplift and a twist ending. What's not to love? Or tolerate, anyway."
(21) "Wolves in Winter," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2006
Steve sez: "Big Red and Old Red get caught in a snowstorm and are tracked by a pack of hungry wolves...and then things get really intense. Not so much a mystery as a suspense yarn with a wee smidge of deduction sprinkled in. It's one of my faves, though."
(22) "Didn't Do Nothing," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, June 2006
Steve sez: "I wrote this slice of urban crime-life for the pre-reboot Plots with Guns...and then they had the unmitigated gall not to like it! How dare they? It had guns, but maybe not enough plot...? Or maybe not enough guns, seeing as all the killings take place off camera? Or maybe the PWG guys just don't like me? Whatever, Linda Landrigan over at AHMM dug it, so though the story's sort of a downbeat bummer (A-ha! Maybe that was it!), it did have this happy ending: a check for $500."
 (23) "Humbug," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, January/February 2007
Steve sez: "A Christmas story in which one Dickensian character (Inspector Bucket from Bleak House) investigates the murder of another (Ebenezer Scrooge). I really like this one, but it led to something strange: my very first piece of hate mail from a reader! Gosh, I rubbed this guy the wrong way. I remember his note started off nice -- like, 'I've been enjoying your stories for a long time' -- before everything went south with 'but this was the worst story I've read in AHMM in 20 years.' And then he got really nasty. Oh, well. God bless us, every one...even the irate cranks."
(24) "Dear Dr. Watson," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2007
Steve sez: "Big Red and Old Red. A mysterious assignment from a real-live private detective. A rabid chihuahua. What's it add up to? Short story gold! Or maybe silver. Bronze, at the very least."
(25) "Hidden Gifts," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2008
Steve sez: "My last Christmas story to date, and maybe the best. Like most of the X-mas tales, it's not a mystery per se -- it's more an excuse to graft a crime plot onto some fond memory of holidays past. (In this case, sneaking into my parents' room to look for gifts from 'Santa.') I'm hoping Christmas crime and I aren't through -- I loved writing these stories. But, alas, for now they have to sit tight on the back burner with Larry Erie and Hannah Fox."
(26) "The Devil's Acre," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2008
Steve sez: "Another outing for Big Red and Old Red, this time in a San Francisco adventure that acts as a sort of teaser for The Black Dove. (Oh, I should probably mention: 'Wolves in Winter' sets up Holmes on the Range and 'Dear Dr. Watson' segues into On the Wrong Track. There. Now I've mentioned it.)"
(27) "Greetings from Purgatory!," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2009
Steve sez: "Possibly the last (and, in my mind, definitely the least) Big Red/Old Red magazine story, and the end of my run with EQMM and AHMM. I've just been too busy with book projects to squeeze in any short fiction, and that's probably not going to change for at least the next 18 months. Which means it'll be two or three years before you see me in one of the mags again...assuming I ever finagle my way back in at all. Gee, almost makes me a little misty-eyed. To paraphrase the old SNL bit, 'Dell Magazines been velly, velly good to me.' Thanks, guys!"
The Anthologies
(28) "Fred Menace, Commie for Hire," Show Business Is Murder (2004)
Steve sez: "Based on the title, you might think this is every bit as stupid as 'Red Christmas' or 'The Case of the Unfortunate Fortune Cookie.' And you'd be right! But. As I'm in a quoting mood, let me steal from The Big Lebowski: 'There's a thin line between stupid and clever.' This one, I think, is on the right side of the line. Just don't ask me why."
(29) "Blarney," Death Do Us Part: New Stories About Love, Lust and Murder (2006)
Steve sez: "Here's an interesting one. Written right after a soul-shaking experience at the 2004 Bouchercon and right before I landed an agent and sold Holmes on the Range, this catches me in a bleak, hopeless mood, and the story shows it. Which is kind of funny, because the inspiration for it was one of the highlights of all my convention-going days: a long afternoon whiled away in a pub with Ken Bruen, John Schramm, and several other writer friends. It was a warm, wonderful time, a respite from the hard knocks I thought I was taking...and I went and turned it into a bile-filled slice of pseudo-noir. Ingrate!"
(30) "Excerpts from an Unpublished Memoir Found in the Basement of the Home for Retired Actors," Sherlock Holmes in America (2009)
Steve sez: "This was a bit of a lark for me -- a long shaggy dog story narrated by a blowhard English actor. I loved the voice so much I just ran with it. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that some people hate hate hate this one. Oh, well. At least I had fun writing it."
Missing in Action
(31) "Hellfire," Phantom Generations #6 (2009)
Steve sez: "This here's that kinda-sorta comic book story I keep promising you. It was supposed to come out in August, but now it's looking more like October or November. Stay tuned."
 (32) "The Old Senator," Sherlock Holmes: The American Years (February 2010)
Steve sez: "I wrote this one a couple years ago, but the anthology kept getting pushed back and pushed back. Which is sort of a shame, as the story -- which, by the way, I think is one of my best in a long time -- is linked to the aforementioned (and much reviled) 'Excerpts from an Unpublished Memoir...' In fact, 'Excerpts' was supposed to be published second, so I wrote it to be a sort of amusing coda to this one, which is far more serious. Bleah. That's what you get for putting your faith in a publishing schedule."
(33) "The Water Indian," Ghosts of the West (Summer 2010...or not)
Steve sez: "Take heed, Holmes on the Range fans: This is a long lost Big Red/Old Red short story, and (thanks to the full plate I mention above) it'll probably be the only one to see print in the next couple years. The anthology in question was originally supposed to come out a long while back, but blah blah blah, publishing schedules. For those of you who care, the story chronicles an otherworldly adventure the boys had in Utah between the events of Holmes on the Range and On the Wrong Track. Ask for it by name! Assuming the book's ever actually published."
(34) "Burl Lockhart's in Town," Hardluck Stories/Western Noir (???)
Steve sez: "Remember the broken-down old Pinkerton from On the Wrong Track? The famous Western 'hero' who turns out to be an unstable boozer? Well, this story was about him in his pre-broken down days, when he really was one of the most dangerous men in the West. It first appeared online in an all-Western issue of Dave Zeltserman's late, lamented webzine Hardluck Stories. The plan was, the issue would be released as a print anthology soon after. Well, that still might be true...providing four or five years later (or six or seven or never) qualifies as 'soon after.'"
Unpublished
Oh, there are a few -- and just be thankful you've been spared reading them.
Wow...was this supposed to be a non-update update? This was more like the Mother of All Updates! I'm actually grateful for those unpublished stories now. If somebody'd had the bad taste to buy the damn things, I'd still be working on this list....
Steve Hockensmith
September 12, 2009
Is Catch-22 a comedy? Slaughterhouse-Five? Little Big Man? Fargo? Fight Club? These are some of favorite books and movies, and if they have one thing in common, it's this: They're funny, but they're not comedies. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say they're funny but they're not just comedies...though I don't like that because it sounds like I'm putting comedy down. "They transcend comedy." Bleah -- screw that %#!@! That'd mess with the whole point of this post. If I'm going to get to a point. No promises, folks! So, this much we have established: I have a soft spot for funny stuff that's not comedy. Perhaps that explains why I write (I hope) funny books that aren't comedies. Which might come as a surprise to some of you who've chuckled your way through my novels. Did you know the "Holmes on the Range" books aren't comedies? Well, I don't think they are, anyway. To my mind, they're historical mysteries with a special toy surprise in every pack, just like Cracker Jack: They have a sense of humor! If you think they are comedies...I don't know, maybe that simply makes me full of %#!@. I mean, I write about cowboys in the American West in 1893, yet I don't think I'm writing Westerns, either. Am I nuts? I wrestle with this, if you couldn't tell already. I'm wrestling with it right now. Are these books just light, frothy, lo-cal fun? Should I be writing them accordingly: with less darkness, less violence, less ambiguity, and more more MORE side-splitting laffs? I don't know. Obviously (at least I hope it'll be obvious to those of you who've read The Black Dove and The Crack in the Lens), I've steered this series in a not-so-frothy direction. I was still trying to be funny -- when appropriate -- yet I was taking everything pretty darned seriously, too. And the thing that leaves me wondering is, as stated above, am I nuts? I'm rambling here, I know, and that probably doesn't do me any favors in the "nuts/not nuts" debate. There's just a little too much pushmi-pullyu going on in my brain right now. A push: Getting e-mails this week from two readers who've escaped from trying times through my mysteries. (One has been suffering great pain as the result of a medical condition. The other is in the military and was, until recently, stationed in Iraq.) My god, why would I want to bring more gloom into these people's lives? As John L. Sullivan put it, "There's a lot to be said for making people laugh." A pull: Watching (thanks to my frenemy Google Alerts) the week-long dissection of On the Wrong Track (and several other historical mysteries) that recently concluded here. On the one hand, the discerning, erudite and well-read blogger in question allowed that my book was funny and engaging. On the other hand, it was "trivial," and he could only assume that every other entry in the series would simply be (as you saw if you followed the link) "the same dang thing over and over." A push: Finding out that an old college friend recently killed herself, and that my best friend's father -- a quirky, funny man I've known nearly all my life -- died today of pancreatic cancer. To which my response is not to rage, rage against the dying of the light. No, I go back to Mr. Sullivan. We don't have long to laugh. What's wrong with doing it as much as we can, while we can? Hell, maybe that's just a different way of raging. And not a bad one, in my book. As for my books, I'm still torn. I can tell you this much: The next "Holmes on the Range" novel is going to be the closest yet to a flat-out comedy. It's going to be a little goofier, and a lot less violent, and I won't be pounding away at a theme the way I was in The Crack in the Lens. And wouldn't you know it, so far it's been the most painful book to write...and I thought The Black Dove and The Crack in the Lens were gonna kill me. Yes, there is indeed a lot to be said for making people laugh. One thing you could say: It helps us all get through this wacky Chamber of Horrors we call life. Another thing: It's really f-ing hard. And I guess the last thing to say, for now: It sounds pretty good to me. Steve Hockensmith
August 30, 2009
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