The Ick Factor

Let's get icky for a minute.

I've been reading a lot of mommy porn lately.

"Ewwwww," right? Not that there's anything wrong with mommy porn. But who wants to picture me reading it? I remember Gene Siskel telling Roger Ebert that he was "aroused" by a film they were discussing, and though Ebert managed not to blurt out "Gag me with a spoon!" (it was the '80s) he sure looked tempted. (I can't recall what the movie was. Probably 9 1/2 Weeks. Or maybe The Muppets Take Manhattan.) 

Anyway, I'm sorry if the juxtaposition of "Steve Hockensmith" and "porn" leaves you feeling a little throw-uppy. Do yourself a favor. As you read the rest of this blog post (assuming you haven't already fled to another website) just imagine it was written by Fabio or Pamela Anderson or the 21st century Fabio/Pamela Anderson equivalent (whoever that would be). You know -- someone who's supposed to lounge around all day reading erotica, because it's not like we can imagine them mowing the lawn or loading up on toilet paper at Costco.

So. Me and mommy porn. I've been familiarizing myself with the genre lately for a possible work project -- REALLY!!! -- and it's raised a few interesting questions for me. And I don't just mean "If you stick a [CENSORED] up someone's [REDACTED] does it really make them [SANITIZED FOR YOUR PROTECTION]?" The thing I'm wondering is "Could I ever write something like this?" And I suspect the answer is no. 

For one thing, I don't even know what happens when you stick a [CENSORED] up someone's [REDACTED], so a master of kink I am not. Of course, I could get around that easily enough. That's what Google's for, right? But it's not just knowledge I lack. It's the right attitude.

Here's the thing about mommy porn (or the mommy porn I've read, anyway): It's really just romance on steroids. Or maybe that should be romance on poppers. (Hey! I know something about kinky sex after all!) Yes, there are manacles and whips and assless leather chaps. But you know what else there is? Feelings. And misunderstandings. And monogamy. And talk talk talk about feelings and misunderstandings and monogamy.

I guess that's the difference between mommy porn and daddy porn. The characters end up doing more or less the same things, but in D.P. they just do it and in M.P. they talk about what it means beforehand. And afterwards. And sometimes even during (which isn't easy with a [CENSORED] up your [REDACTED]). 

But you know what? It's not all the talk that bothers me. It's that everyone takes what they're saying so very, very seriously. And no matter how multi-dimensional the characters are (and sometimes there's real depth there, in the right book), they're still idealized beyond anything I can relate to. They're Fabio on a book cover. They're Pamela Anderson on a poster. They're perfect. And that makes them unreal.

Which is a silly thing to object to in erotica, I know, I know, I know. Nobody says, "I'd enjoy this sex scene more if it were intensely awkward and all the body parts sagged." But here's where my bad attitude comes in: I do sort of think that. Because one of the impulses that drives me as a writer is the desire to shrink everything down to human size and find the humor in it. It's why I'd have a hard time writing a straight thriller. It's why I'd have a hard time writing a straight (i.e., lugubrious) "literary" novel. It's why I'd have a hard time writing straight erotica. For god's sake, I read mommy porn and think, "I'm not connecting with this. Everyone's so beautiful." There's something wrong with me! I'd rather watch Fabio and Pamela Anderson loading up their Costco cart with Nutella than gazing into each other's eyes on a wind-swept cliff. It's just the way I'm wired.

Maybe it's something you can get over, like a cold or (if you work in certain industries) a conscience. There are times I think I'd be more successful if I could just get with the program and stop being a smartass. I've had people tell me to try. And you know what? 

To me, that's icky.

Comments

[Ed]

Steve,

One of your strengths is zombies. So, write Zombie Porn!

(insert really massive ICK here).

Ed.

[Jennifer Leeland]

Writing Erotic Romance is NOT for everyone. You know, there's this attitude out there that it would be "easy" and make a "quick buck". The truth is that if it isn't your thing to write...it isn't.
Like, I can't write humor. I love to read it. Love to laugh. Love love love snark. Can't write it. So, I write my angst filled fantasy and give (I hope) a little escape from reality.
But I am glad to hear you're expanding your horizons. LOL!

[Esri Allbritten]

As someone who also loves funny, flawed characters (aka "realer"), I totally get the problem you're having.

Probably the only way you could do it is to come up with *a character* who is really earnest and doe-eyed, and have that character write the mommy porn. It might help to wear a pink bathrobe and big glasses while you do this, and to play the soundtrack from Titanic.

[Shanna]

I read "manacles and whips" as "miracle whip."

[Karin]

Try some humorous erotica. There may be an untapped niche.

[Elizabeth A. White]

Never stop being a smartass!

[J. Steven York]

Funny stuff.

And I'm with you, in my own way, my brother. Thought I don't go the humor route as much as you do, I always find myself toning down the stock characters and trying to make them more real and grounded. My mystery character, Mustang Sawtell, isn't much of a shot in a pistol, and at this point, he's not very good in a fight. He may not even be the sharpest tool in the shed. What he's got is a good heart and his own sense of right and wrong, and those are what get him in trouble because he hasn't got much to back them up, and pretty much the whole world is against him.

Even back when I was doing media tie-in books, I was always looking for the weak, broken, flawed, neglected characters. I'd rather write Lt. Barclay than Captain Picard, or Razorback (Marvel's lamest super-hero -- sorry Squirrel Girl and Rocket Racoon) than Thor. (Okay, okay, props to Marvel. Even most of their A-list super-heroes are pretty broken and flawed.)

And even with romance (and I admit to being more a fan of romantic-comedy movies than romance novels), I'd rather have my heroes and heroines a bit awkward, dysfunctional, and not too blandly pretty -- even the ladies. (Ha-ha-ha! See what I did there?)

[Carolyn B]

mmmm..Nutella...now that's what I like! :D My problem with any hot & steamy scenes is that I usually listen to audiobooks, and it's really embarrassing at stoplights or when you pull into a parking space and other people can hear it....

[Steve]

Oh, believe me, Ed. -- zombie porn is nothing new. Google the phrase, and you'll see...IF YOU DARE!!!

I hear you, Jennifer. Our strengths as writers don't always mesh with our predilections as readers. It certainly makes me appreciate someone like, say, Michael Chabon, because when I read him I think, "Wow...I couldn't do that if I tried."

Thanks for the suggestion, Esri. Meet my new alter ego -- Stephanie Hockensmith. I'll let her take over the next time I try to write some mommy porn of my own. I don't think I should stop at a bathrobe and glasses for my costume, though. I think this calls for a wig, a dress, nylons and...ewwww. This *is* getting icky, isn't it?

That was an understandable Freudian slip, Shanna. I have no doubt that Miracle Whip has played a key role in many an erotic encounter. (Sorry. Ewwwwww again.)

I think "humorous erotica" is probably an oxymoron, Karin. Laughter's great and all, but it's kind of a mood killer. Or maybe that's just a guy thing. A woman bursts out laughing at the wrong moment and it could ruin a guy for life....

Aye aye, Elizabeth! [Salutes.]

I share the same impulses as you when it comes to the second-stringers, Steve. Let's face it: Capt. Kirk's just kind of a dick. But Bones McCoy is a wonderful character. Grouchy, opinionated and parochial but also loyal, funny, compassionate and idealistic. Now that I think about it, Big Red and Old Red Amlingmeyer seem more like quirky supporting characters than series leads...which is maybe part of the reason that series isn't more popular.

I haven't tried mommy porn on audiobook yet, Carolyn, but I have been reading it at the gym. So I'm always paranoid that whoever's on the Stairmaster beside mine is going to start reading over my shoulder and assume I'm a total perv. It hasn't happened yet...that I know of....

[Jonathan Turner]

A friend of mine, Suzanne Palmer, has published a story entitled "Zombie Cabana Boy". Really.

[Greg Daniel]

Humorous Erotica may indeed be an oxymoron but ... Snarky Porn could be the Next Big Thing. Go for it, Big Boy ... or whatever pet name you have for yourself when bedecked and bedazzled in wig, nylons, etc.

[shelton keys dunning]

Call me a prude, but I'm right there with you. I can't read "mommy-porn": it's like I'm standing at the water cooler at work, listening to the receptionist explain how sore she is after last night when so-and-so number 18 censored her redacted. There are times I think I'm the only girl in the world that doesn't read romance of any steam. I'm not interested in other people's love-lives IRL, I don't care about celebrity hook-ups, why would I want to read about that? I'd rather have a puzzle to solve. Give me a good cozy mystery, that may or may not feature a love interest, that fades to black just like black-and-white movies do when a censored redacted is taking place.

[Steve]

Hmmm...so I seem to be getting mixed messages here. Some of you want me to charge ahead with my new subgenre, snarkporn. Others want me to stay safely chaste. (The sexiest thing you'll find in any of my stuff is a kiss or two in the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies books.) Maybe I should flip a coin: heads for wholesome, tails for tail.

[Jan]

Hey, I thought that the closet scene with Old Red and Diana from The Black Dove was pretty steamy stuff, and it made me laugh out loud too!

[Steve]

Oh, yeah -- I forgot about that one, Jan! Yes, that scene is a bit *cough cough* adult. Just goes to show, though: Even when I do write about naughty bits, I can't help but make it uncomfortable and funny. Poor Big Red -- I'm sure he hates me for never giving him a straight love scene....

[Bryan Steelman]

May I suggest a new book: Old Red and Big Red are asked to secretly investigate a murder of a high profile, wealthy European at a high class bordello. You can call it - Fifty Shades of Red.