Tastes change. Styles come and go. Fashion moves on. Still, sometimes you have to ask yourself: "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING?"
The "YOU PEOPLE" I'm referring to could be anyone who willingly purchased Jim Nabors albums or wore shirts that looked like post-Super Bowl party upchuck or found The Flintstones even remotely amusing. Or it could be the people who decorated the home I stayed in with my family this weekend.
Clan Hockensmith ventured down the California coast to beautiful seaside Cambria, where we rented a house that was owned, it would seem, by the Polyester Era version of the Addams Family. Take the children's bedroom, for instance. My daughter refused to sleep in the bed pictured below. Hmm...can you guess why?
Fortunately, my 5-year-old son didn't seem to mind that a zombified Beaver Cleaver was hovering over his bed.
If the kids had trouble sleeping, they could always avail themselves of the cheery reading material provided by the home's owners. There was the deluxe, illustrated edition of Grimm's Fairy Tales, for instance. (Real, I'm-not-making-this-up sample caption: "She took up her step-sister's head and let three drops of blood fall on the ground....") What child wouldn't enjoy an Agatha Christie murder-mystery at sleepytime? And thanks to that technological marvel the "Fotonovel," youngsters can feel like they're watching the 1978 remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers in the comfort of their own beds!
Remember the classic scene where Donald Sutherland smashes his pod-clone's head with a hoe? You don't? Well, check out the pages below and you'll never forget it!
Sweet dreams are made of this: a pod person/dog/hobo mashup! What do you feed it, I wonder? Kibbles N Bits or Mad Dog 20/20?
And finally, just to show that not everything in the room was creepy, here's what was on the dresser.
Wait a second. Dear god...what are those dolphins doing?!?
What family memories you're creating... I'm wondering what happened to the rest of the dolphins' bodies. I think the creepy clown in Picture 1 was involved.
Posted by: Toni LP Kelner | October 11, 2011 at 11:54 AM
Clearly the mutant dolphins are trying to escape the dresser that has sewn them together in an attempt to create The Dolphin Centipede.
Posted by: Maria Alexander | October 11, 2011 at 11:59 AM
It's so refreshing that you two chose to see the creature on the dresser as some kind of hydra-headed dolphin of doom. I, of course, thought it was two porpoises making the Sea Beast with Two Backs. Maybe it's cuz I'm a guy....
Posted by: Steve | October 11, 2011 at 12:09 PM
Dolphins? Sex? I know not of what you speak. The two-headed mutant slug is clearly self-fertilizing...
Posted by: J. Steven York | October 11, 2011 at 01:03 PM
Once more, I thank you for being Steve Hockensmith and all that name entails. I have to say, with the silver temples you are certainly looking very authorly these days!
Posted by: Charlie Krone on the Slide Trombone | October 11, 2011 at 01:14 PM
I seriously want that zombie child painting for my living room. Just the right amount of creepy...
Posted by: Lin | October 11, 2011 at 01:24 PM
You might be on to something, Steven. I'm not so sure now that thing on the dresser was even ceramic. For all I know, it really was a two-headed mutant slug getting biz-zay.
My pleasure to be of service, Charlie! Rest assured -- despite the Reed Richards hair, Steve Hockensmith stands ready to see to all your Steve Hockensmith needs.
If we ever rent that house again, I'll nab the painting for you, Linda. I'll just bring down a velvet Elvis or something to replace it with.
Posted by: Steve | October 11, 2011 at 09:43 PM
Oh the original Grimm's is all like that. I had a copy as a child. Not content with reading it myself, I passed it on to my younger sister. Which explains a lot about the both of us, really.
Really all this place needs is an appropriate wardrobe. I have a knitting pattern for a poncho that looks like a the model was puked on by a shag rug...I think it would go with the decor beautifully.
Posted by: RobinH | October 12, 2011 at 05:23 AM
Cozy Shirley Jackson-style bungalow decorated in late Flannery O'Connor seeks writer with Nicholson personality type for long winter layover.
Glad you got out when you did, Steve!
Posted by: Rich | October 12, 2011 at 07:54 AM
From what I've read of dolphins, they are ALWAYS ready to make the Sea Beast with Two Backs. They are happy creatures. So to have cut off the back-making equipment of two happy dolphins and then prop them up on a dresser... That's just mean.
Posted by: Toni LP Kelner | October 12, 2011 at 11:26 AM
LOL to everyone! Wow, this was fun. Now I feel like taking my camera everywhere so I can post snide comments about interior design every week. Next up: What's the deal with that freaky sculpture in my dentist's office?
Posted by: Steve | October 13, 2011 at 10:28 AM