Sherlock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels

Sherlock Holmes remains "AMERICA'S #1 NON-AVATAR MOVIE!" but it probably won't be for much longer, what with Tooth Fairy set to take the world by storm in a couple weeks. (Dwayne Johnson stars as a hockey-player-turned-magical-molar-collector? Hooo, boy -- I'll tell you what the Rock's cookin' up this time. Oscar gold!) So I guess I'd better review the new Holmes flick while it's still reasonably fresh in everyone's mind. You know how quickly even big smashes fade from public consciousness. I mean, remember Paul Blart: Mall Cop? It racked up $146 mill! Or G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra? It put 150 big ones in the bank. Or how about Shogun Warriors 2: Revenge of the Electric Boogaloo? It grossed 87 gajillion-babillion-kaquillion dollars...in one afternoon! Yet who can recall seeing it now? Certainly not me. Maybe because I didn't see it. Or, then again, maybe I did. How could one say for sure?

But I digress. On purpose. Cuz I really don't feel like writing this review. First off, it's so frakking tedious getting through all the plot synopsis and production background and blah blah blah I can't even stand writing about what I'm not writing about. I just looked up Roger Ebert's review of the film, thinking I'd plug in a link to The Master and leave it at that. But he must have felt the same way I do the day he wrote his critique, because he hardly bothers with the plot at all. (One could throw in a cheap aside here to the effect that the filmmakers didn't either. I will resist.) Ditto The Onion A.V. Club, my second go-to source for insightful, erudite movie review blah blah. So I guess it's up to me. Sigh.

O.K., so, there's this genius detective guy named Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) and he's kinda bummed because his roomie (Jude Law) is moving out but fortunately there's, like, an evil dude everyone calls "Lord Blackwood" (though he's supposed to be the unacknowledged bastard child of another nobleman, so how he could be a "Lord" is...oh, don't get me started) and this guy (who looks a lot more like Sherlock Holmes than Robert Downey Jr., BTW) is running around trying to take over the world by convincing a bunch of gullible twits that he's the Boogie Man or something (it's a little sketchy) and Sherlock teams up with the aforementioned roomie and an old girlfriend/nemesis (guys, we've all had girlfriend/nemeses, right?) to save England and, more importantly, America (as the bad guys go waaaaaaaaaay out of their way to announce that #1 on their agenda is invading the homeland of the primary audience for the film) and all the while in the background there lurks a shadowy figure manipulating everything, and his name is OH GOD DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY IT???

Woo. Let me catch my breath. That was exhausting. In fact, I've used up all the energy I had for this review. (As you'll recall, there wasn't much to begin with.) So I'll just be merciful and end it quick with a bunch of lazy grades.

Robert Downey Jr.: B+

Jude Law: B+

Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law together: A

The plot: C

The deductions: D

Everything else (the music, the production design, the costumes, the special effects, etc.): A

Overall grade: B

This "review": F

Steve Hockensmith
January 10, 2010

Comments

[Richard Prosch]

Gaaawd-dang, my friend! This just might be the best review I've read of ANY movie in quite a spell. Sometimes blog writer that-I-claim to be (and it's been sorta hit and miss lately), I appreciate the candor and can relate to it my own self.

Do you have a release date for the next HOTR book?

[Steve]

Glad you appreciated the "review," Rich! I'm curious: Have you seen the film yet? If so, what did you think? Anybody else want to chime in?

As for the next HOTR, it should be out...oh, late 2010ish. We'll see. I'll be turning in the first draft in a little over a month. Sometime soon after that, hopefully, I'll get the word on a release date. Stay tuned....

-Steve

[sophie littlefield]

okay well i for one loved this review. saw the flick with my sister and firstborn. we all agreed we loved those scenes where everythign was all bleak and all. Sister and I agreed that Law has looked hotter, for sure, and Downy Jr. surely did get his $ worth at the gym. Uhhh...and beyond that there was a little "whaaaaa....?" goin on.

[Steve]

Oh, yeah -- it's definitely a "Whaaaaa...?" plot. We're just never supposed to think about what's going on long enough to realize it's a "Whaaaaa...?" plot. Which is kind of funny for something that takes the form of a mystery, where the audience is usually encouraged to think as part of the fun. Of course, this movie isn't really a mystery at all: It's a big budget buddy-movie action flick. So sayonara thinking! That's alright, though. It is a really entertaining movie...as long as you remember to keep your brain switched off.

-Steve

[Jen Forbus]

I didn't see Sherlock Holmes and I didn't see Avatar, but I heard the same grumblings about the Avatar plot. Really made me scratch my head when I heard today that it won the Golden Globe for best picture, but oh, we're talking about Sherlock Holmes. Right. Uhm, maybe I'll see it on DVD when it's out. Too pricey for movie tickets these days for a "Whaaaa....?" plot.

[Patricia]

HOLY HORNSWAGGLE!! I just realized I never sent you comments on "Crack in the Lens"!! I thought I did right after I read it the minute it came out, but hmm...Let's call it a senior moment and let it go at that. Let this be a lesson to you, young whippersnapper. Never get old.

The book was as good as I've come to expect from you, which is to say, I couldn't put it down. I think the best part of your stories is your ability to bring the reader along with the boys every step of the way. You actually feel like you're riding those nags, drinking that rotgut, and getting your own stuffins' beat out of you. Thanks for that, Steve.

I am happy to see you're so busy!I'm not much into comic books and the zombie thing isn't my thing, but I know they'll be great.

When can I expect to see a new yarn from dear Otto?

Ya done good, kid,
Patricia

[Steve]

Hey, Jen! I'd say Avatar is still worth full price to see on the big screen -- especially if it's a really, really big screen with a 3-D projector -- even though the storyline's not exactly fresh. The film's definitely a game-changer, visually. As for Sherlock Holmes...yeah, if you're not a huge fan of Holmes or buddy flick/action pics, HBO or Netflix will do ya just fine.

And thanks for the hornswaggling thumbs up, Patricia! It's funny you should mention the "every step of the way" thing -- I just realized while writing that book how I really do take readers along minute by minute from the beginning to the end. In HOLMES ON THE RANGE there's a little "And then another week went by" going on, but every other book takes place over the course of a few days, with nothing glossed over. Every single moment is accounted for, so you're with the guys for the whole ride. I *think* that's a good thing, though it might get old if I do it in every single book.

As for the next yarn, I'm hoping it'll be in your hands by the end of the year. The first draft gets turned in to Crafty Keith Kahla over at Minotaur in z-minus six weeks, and if the revising process goes smoothly, then...oh, I'd say late fall's a possibility. Stay tuned....

-Steve