Short Stuff

I know I'm overdue for an update here, but, man, I'm not in the mood. So maybe it's time for a non-update update. Here's the deal.

Every so often, I get an e-mail from a reader who wants a list of all my short stories. Inevitably, I can't find the message I sent back the last time I got the same request, so I spend 15 or 20 minutes typing up a list. And, also inevitably, I end my reply with something like, "Gee, you'd think I'd have this on my website somewhere, wouldn't you? I'll have to add this soon!"

Well, soon has finally arrived. The list is below. And just to make things a wee tad less non-updatey, I'm throwing in a bonus: my stream of consciousness take on each and every story! Here goes.

The Magazines

(1) "Promotion," White Knuckles, Issue 5 (1996)
Steve sez: "This is a 'Metamorphosis' parody/satire I first wrote in college and later got published in an obscure horror 'zine. Might be funny, I don't know. I haven't read it in 13 years."

(2) "Arnold the Conqueror," Analog Science Fiction and Fact, December 1997
Steve sez: "My first fiction sale to a professional, paying market. Yippee! Probably pretty painful to read, but I'm proud to have cracked Analog way back when."

(3) "Double Jeopardy," The Leading Edge, September 1998
Steve sez: "My last gasp as a wannabe science fiction writer. A piece of crap, but at least it's really short. I guess that makes it a really, really small piece of crap. To my horror, it lives on online. Die, bad story, die!"

(4) "Erie's Last Day," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, May 2000
Steve sez: "The story that changed everything for me. Now I was a mystery writer! Who knew where that might lead? Bonus: I have a feeling the story holds up pretty well. You can find it in The Best American Mystery Stories 2001, if you're so inclined. Oh, and it's in Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine Presents Fifty Years of Crime and Suspense, too."

(5) "I Killed Santa Claus," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2001
Steve sez: "The first in a long string of Christmas stories for EQMM. I'm fond of them all. If they published this one today, though, someone would probably think I was ripping off Bad Santa. But my story was first!"

(6) "Strays," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, July/August 2001
Steve sez: "Sad sack Hoosier detective Larry Erie returns. The 'crime' I depict in the story was probably way out-of-date even at the time. Lame. I still like the characters, though."

(7) "Special Delivery," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2002
Steve sez: "Another Christmas story. Not much plot -- it's really just a set-up, a confrontation and a resolution. But what do you want? It's a short story. Plus, it's funny (I think), so why complain?"

(8) "Minor League," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, July/August 2002
Steve sez: "More Erie moping around Southern Indiana. O.K. story, I think. Elyse Cheney, who's now my beloved super-fantabulous agent, contacted me out of the blue after reading it, so it must have something going for it."

(9) "Fruitcake," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2003
Steve sez: "Yet another Christmas story. One of the best, methinks. Born from an anecdote my grandma told me about romance amongst the snowbirds down in Florida."

(10) "Dear Mr. Holmes," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2003
Steve sez: "Ta-da! And here they are, ladies and gentlemen: Big Red and Old Red! And the mystery world was never the same.... Or maybe it was. You can find the story here, by the way."

(11) "Animals," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, July/August 2003
Steve sez: "Larry Erie rides again, this time tracking down -- dun dun DUN!!! -- a missing dog. Boy, that Larry...he was like the James Bond of Kentuckiana. High-stakes stuff. Can you believe Spielberg hasn't made a movie about him yet? Erie: The Adventure Begins, in which our hero helps a friend look for his reading glasses."

(12) "Secret Santa," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2004
Steve sez: "Another X-mas tale, obviously. (The title's a bit of a giveaway, eh?) I like the fact that there's no real crime in this, though there is a mystery. Based partially on my experiences in the magazine business, and, yes, I do take fictional revenge on a particularly hateful boss. Isn't that what office stories are for?

(13) "Tricks," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, July/August 2004
Steve sez: "Larry Erie's back, and this time he's after -- dun dun DUN!!! (refrain) -- a missing monkey. Really. This was basically an excuse for me to recycle ideas and characters that were gathering dust in my first, still unpublished novel. As an attic-cleaning exercise it turned out O.K., I guess, since the story was nominated for several awards and ended up in an antho (the extravagantly named The Widow of Slane and Six More of the Best Crime and Mystery Novellas of the Year)."

(14) "The Case of the Unfortunate Fortune Cookie," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, October 2004
Steve sez: "One of the silliest things I've ever written. Basically, an Airplane!-style parody of Perry Mason...which was an odd thing for me to write, as I've never read nor watched any Perry Mason whatsoever. Go figure. Oh, and there's a framing device inspired by one of roommates in college, a guy who could talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. So maybe that's why I wrote the story -- as an excuse to riff on my old pal. I dunno. Talk about a mystery."

(15) "Red Christmas," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, January/February 2005
Steve sez: "Hold on a tick. Did I say 'The Case of the Unfortunate Fortune Cookie' was the silliest thing I've ever written? Strike that. This is the silliest -- and probably stupidest -- thing I've ever written. The set-up: Santa Claus is kidnapped, someone's planted a bomb at the North Pole...and Mrs. Claus is ready to kick some naughty ass! I thought I might turn this into an annual thing, sending Mrs. C off to fight injustice every Christmas. But, uhhh...then I didn't do it. Thank God."

(16) "Naughty," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2005
Steve sez: "The narrator of 'I Killed Santa Claus' comes back for another amusing (in theory) X-mas misadventure. She was the hero of the aforementioned unpublished novel, too, so I guess I had sort of a thing for her. Hannah Fox, smart-ass co-ed and disgruntled former mall elf, will we ever see you again?"

(17) "Gustav Amlingmeyer, Holmes of the Range," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2005
Steve sez: "Everyone seemed to like 'Dear Mr. Holmes,' so what the hey -- I figured I ought to bring those Sherlock Holmes-loving cowboy guys back. That title sure would come in handy not too long after this, know what I mean? If you feel like tracking this one down, you can find it in another anthology with a title almost as long as one of the stories: Wolf Woman Bay and 9 More of the Finest Crime and Mystery Novellas of the Year."

(18) "The Big Road," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, May 2005
Steve sez: "I didn't know it at the time, but this was going to be Larry Erie's victory lap. It must be a pretty good story, I suppose, seeing as it ended up being a finalist for a snootful of awards. (On the other hand, it didn't win any of them.) I always figured I'd keep on doing Erie, but three years have gone by now, and I still haven't found the time. Sorry, Larry! One day, when no one will buy any more of those book-thingies I write, I'll get back to you, I promise."

(19) "The Macguffin Theft Case," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, November 2005
Steve sez: "This is either the second- or third-stupidest story I've ever written, depending on how you do the tally. It's a pseudo-sequel to 'The Case of the Unfortunate Fortune Cookie,' using the same annoying characters to bookend a genre send-up (this time of the Philo Vance mysteries, which I've actually read). I always meant to do one more so I could pretend it was a trilogy -- three just seems like such a better number to end on than two. But I never got around to that, either. Notice a trend developing here?"

(20) "Naivete," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2006
Steve sez: "Here, the bad guys from 'Naughty' become the anti-heroes of their own little Christmas tale. It's probably a tad broad, but I still like it. Humor, holiday uplift and a twist ending. What's not to love? Or tolerate, anyway."

(21) "Wolves in Winter," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2006
Steve sez: "Big Red and Old Red get caught in a snowstorm and are tracked by a pack of hungry wolves...and then things get really intense. Not so much a mystery as a suspense yarn with a wee smidge of deduction sprinkled in. It's one of my faves, though."

(22) "Didn't Do Nothing," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, June 2006
Steve sez: "I wrote this slice of urban crime-life for the pre-reboot Plots with Guns...and then they had the unmitigated gall not to like it! How dare they? It had guns, but maybe not enough plot...? Or maybe not enough guns, seeing as all the killings take place off camera? Or maybe the PWG guys just don't like me? Whatever, Linda Landrigan over at AHMM dug it, so though the story's sort of a downbeat bummer (A-ha! Maybe that was it!), it did have this happy ending: a check for $500."

(23) "Humbug," Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, January/February 2007
Steve sez: "A Christmas story in which one Dickensian character (Inspector Bucket from Bleak House) investigates the murder of another (Ebenezer Scrooge). I really like this one, but it led to something strange: my very first piece of hate mail from a reader! Gosh, I rubbed this guy the wrong way. I remember his note started off nice -- like, 'I've been enjoying your stories for a long time' -- before everything went south with 'but this was the worst story I've read in AHMM in 20 years.' And then he got really nasty. Oh, well. God bless us, every one...even the irate cranks."

(24) "Dear Dr. Watson," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2007
Steve sez: "Big Red and Old Red. A mysterious assignment from a real-live private detective. A rabid chihuahua. What's it add up to? Short story gold! Or maybe silver. Bronze, at the very least."

(25) "Hidden Gifts," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, January 2008
Steve sez: "My last Christmas story to date, and maybe the best. Like most of the X-mas tales, it's not a mystery per se -- it's more an excuse to graft a crime plot onto some fond memory of holidays past. (In this case, sneaking into my parents' room to look for gifts from 'Santa.') I'm hoping Christmas crime and I aren't through -- I loved writing these stories. But, alas, for now they have to sit tight on the back burner with Larry Erie and Hannah Fox."

(26) "The Devil's Acre," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2008
Steve sez: "Another outing for Big Red and Old Red, this time in a San Francisco adventure that acts as a sort of teaser for The Black Dove. (Oh, I should probably mention: 'Wolves in Winter' sets up Holmes on the Range and 'Dear Dr. Watson' segues into On the Wrong Track. There. Now I've mentioned it.)"

(27) "Greetings from Purgatory!," Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, February 2009
Steve sez: "Possibly the last (and, in my mind, definitely the least) Big Red/Old Red magazine story, and the end of my run with EQMM and AHMM. I've just been too busy with book projects to squeeze in any short fiction, and that's probably not going to change for at least the next 18 months. Which means it'll be two or three years before you see me in one of the mags again...assuming I ever finagle my way back in at all. Gee, almost makes me a little misty-eyed. To paraphrase the old SNL bit, 'Dell Magazines been velly, velly good to me.' Thanks, guys!"

The Anthologies

(28) "Fred Menace, Commie for Hire," Show Business Is Murder (2004)
Steve sez: "Based on the title, you might think this is every bit as stupid as 'Red Christmas' or 'The Case of the Unfortunate Fortune Cookie.' And you'd be right! But. As I'm in a quoting mood, let me steal from The Big Lebowski: 'There's a thin line between stupid and clever.' This one, I think, is on the right side of the line. Just don't ask me why."

(29) "Blarney," Death Do Us Part: New Stories About Love, Lust and Murder (2006)
Steve sez: "Here's an interesting one. Written right after a soul-shaking experience at the 2004 Bouchercon and right before I landed an agent and sold Holmes on the Range, this catches me in a bleak, hopeless mood, and the story shows it. Which is kind of funny, because the inspiration for it was one of the highlights of all my convention-going days: a long afternoon whiled away in a pub with Ken Bruen, John Schramm, and several other writer friends. It was a warm, wonderful time, a respite from the hard knocks I thought I was taking...and I went and turned it into a bile-filled slice of pseudo-noir. Ingrate!"

(30) "Excerpts from an Unpublished Memoir Found in the Basement of the Home for Retired Actors," Sherlock Holmes in America (2009)
Steve sez: "This was a bit of a lark for me -- a long shaggy dog story narrated by a blowhard English actor. I loved the voice so much I just ran with it. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that some people hate hate hate this one. Oh, well. At least I had fun writing it."

Missing in Action

(31) "Hellfire," Phantom Generations #6 (2009)
Steve sez: "This here's that kinda-sorta comic book story I keep promising you. It was supposed to come out in August, but now it's looking more like October or November. Stay tuned."

(32) "The Old Senator," Sherlock Holmes: The American Years (February 2010)
Steve sez: "I wrote this one a couple years ago, but the anthology kept getting pushed back and pushed back. Which is sort of a shame, as the story -- which, by the way, I think is one of my best in a long time -- is linked to the aforementioned (and much reviled) 'Excerpts from an Unpublished Memoir...' In fact, 'Excerpts' was supposed to be published second, so I wrote it to be a sort of amusing coda to this one, which is far more serious. Bleah. That's what you get for putting your faith in a publishing schedule."

(33) "The Water Indian," Ghosts of the West (Summer 2010...or not)
Steve sez: "Take heed, Holmes on the Range fans: This is a long lost Big Red/Old Red short story, and (thanks to the full plate I mention above) it'll probably be the only one to see print in the next couple years. The anthology in question was originally supposed to come out a long while back, but blah blah blah, publishing schedules. For those of you who care, the story chronicles an otherworldly adventure the boys had in Utah between the events of Holmes on the Range and On the Wrong Track. Ask for it by name! Assuming the book's ever actually published." 

(34) "Burl Lockhart's in Town," Hardluck Stories/Western Noir (???)
Steve sez: "Remember the broken-down old Pinkerton from On the Wrong Track? The famous Western 'hero' who turns out to be an unstable boozer? Well, this story was about him in his pre-broken down days, when he really was one of the most dangerous men in the West. It first appeared online in an all-Western issue of Dave Zeltserman's late, lamented webzine Hardluck Stories. The plan was, the issue would be released as a print anthology soon after. Well, that still might be true...providing four or five years later (or six or seven or never) qualifies as 'soon after.'"

Unpublished

Oh, there are a few -- and just be thankful you've been spared reading them.

Wow...was this supposed to be a non-update update? This was more like the Mother of All Updates! I'm actually grateful for those unpublished stories now. If somebody'd had the bad taste to buy the damn things, I'd still be working on this list....

Steve Hockensmith
September 12, 2009

Comments

[John Schramm]

And you say you're not prolific.

Thanks for the mention. :o)

[Matthew Szewczyk]

Wow, what a long list! I bet you will be glad to NEVER have to type that again!

[Steve]

Yo, John! I guess you're right -- 30-something published stories in 10 years (more or less) ain't that bad...especially with four books in there, too. Hot damn! Maybe I *am* prolific!

And yeah, Matthew -- I thought I was just gonna toss off that list in an hour or so, and it ended up taking me three nights to finish. Which just goes to show I'm *not* as prolific as I'd like to think.

-Steve

[Adam McFarlane]

People who haven't read your short stories are really missing out! Any chance for a collection in the near future?

[Steve]

Thanks for the endorsement, Adam! As for a collection, I would love for that to happen, but there's nothing in the works at the moment. But once The Project That Dare Not Speak Its Name takes the world by storm (assuming it does), that might change. Stay tuned....

-Steve

[Stella]

Most of them I can't find here :(

[Jonathan Turner]

How much would I have to pay you, direct, to get copies of these? Just hypothetically, I mean.

[Steve]

Alas, I'm betting a lot of these stories are pretty hard to find anywhere, Stella. In fact, even I only have one copy of most of the magazines (which is why I can't sell a set of my extras, Jonathan -- I barely have any to sell!). Folks can try buying back issues through EQMM and AHMM by going here:

http://www.themysteryplace.com/custsvc/ordering.aspx

But I've heard from readers that some issues aren't available anymore. If there's a particular issue someone's looking for, they can let me know (at steve AT stevehockensmith DOT com) and I'll take a look in my garage and see if I've got one in my Big Box of Assorted Writing Junk. Otherwise, all you can do is keep an eye on eBay...or wait for the Steve Hockensmith short story collection which'll hopefully be published *sometime* before I die....

[Richard Prosch]

Allow me to add my WOW! A terrific list of tales. BTW--eBay is a good bet. I've picked up several copies of AHMM that way through a few different auctions.

[Stella]

Ok, thanks!

[Adam McFarlane]

Just finished reading your excellent story in Sherlock Holmes In America. Reading it made me curious--what's the "B" in "S.B.H."? Care to reveal your middle name to fans?

[S.B.H.]

Glad to hear you dug the story, Adam! As I mentioned above, some folks just don't get that one. (Though I suppose it's also possible that they get it and *still* hate it.)

For those of you who haven't see the story in question ("Excerpts from an Unpublished Memoir Found in the Basement of the Home for Retired Actors"), it features pseudo-scholarly footnote-type asides ascribed to an "S.B.H." Which would be me: Stephen Brian Hockensmith. The introduction to the story was supposed to be signed that way, but...well, someone forgot to put it in. Ahhhh, publishing!

-Stephen Brian

[Adam McFarlane]

I'm making my way through the list and just finished "Fred Menace, Commie For Hire". A great bunch of authors in that anthology!

Weren't some of your stories available for purchase and download via a website? I thought you posted something a year or two ago. Are they still available? And, if so, what was the website?

[Steve]

Whoa -- good memory! I had a handful of stories available via the Sony eBook Store a while ago, but they've only got the novels listed now. Maybe one day I'll try to format 'em for the Kindle or something. We'll see. In the meantime, the only way to get the stories is the old-fashioned printed-on-paper way.....

-Steve