The Skinny!

You see that name up there? At the top of the screen? Otto "Big Red" Amlingmeyer? Well, that's me. So you'd think this was my website or something. Yeah, I know it's stevehockensmith.com, but still. There it is, big as life. My name.

But it's that Hockensmith feller who's really in charge around here. Mostly because I don't know what "HTML" is. Hitmill? Hutemil? Damn, I don't even know how to pronounce it. And apparently you've got to understand it to run one of these "blog" thingies.

So I just pop in here whenever Hockensmith puts out the call for me, really. And today I got the message: "I haven't posted anything in over a week, Big Red, and I still don't have anything to say. Could you throw something on the blog? I'm going over the first pass pages for the next book and I really don't have time to mess with the website right now. Thanks!"

Alright. Here I am, though I've got no idea what "first pass pages" are and I'm kind of busy myself writing the next next book and I don't think I've got anything to say, either. I don't know...maybe y'all would appreciate some updates? On my current doin's and such?

Well, I'm just gonna hope you do, cuz that's all I've got to fall back on. Here's the skinny.

The next book is called The Crack in the Lens. It takes place in San Marcos, Texas. In it, Old Red and I address some unfinished business from my brother's past. If you read The Black Dove, you should be able to guess what that business is. (If you haven't read The Black Dove, it comes out in paperback May 12 -- and you oughta be ashamed of yourself!) Crack' ll hit stores July 21.

The next next book is called (at the moment) World's Greatest Sleuth!. And yeah -- that extra exclamation point there ain't just me messin' up the Hitmill. It's actually part of the title of the book. I've always wanted to write something with an exclamation point in the name (hey, it worked for SYLS!), and this seemed like the time to do it. Sleuth! is set at the World's Columbian Exposition in Chicago, and it should come out...well, sometime in 2010. July, most likely.

Boy, can you believe there's a year coming up called "2010"? Sounds like something out of Jules Verne, don't it?

Anyway, after Sleuth!...alright, I don't rightly now. Hopefully, I'll move on to the next next next book, which'll be about I don't know what and be set I don't know where and should come out I don't know when. 

Ask for it by name.

Otto "Big Red" Amlingmeyer
March 18, 1893

Weakest Links

Little did I know when I launched this blog three years ago that I wasn't just creating a hub for fans of my work. (Hey, fans! Hope you're enjoying the hubbing!) I was also, without my knowledge, about to create what would one day be the SPANKIN'-EST SITE ON THE WORLD WILD WEB! YEEEEEEEEEHAAAA (SLAP SLAP SLAP)!

You see, I can track how folks find this website, and all the Googling and Yahooing and such breaks down into five basic categories. And the category I wish the most searches belonged to is not the most popular anymore.

CATEGORY ONE: BULL'S-EYES
Example searches:
Steve Hockensmith
Holmes on the Range
On the Wrong Track
The Black Dove

CATEGORY TWO: FORTUNATE ACCIDENTS
Example searches:
Steve Hockensmith photographer (which is actually this guy)
Stryper (because I once used a picture of the Christian rockers/Aqua Net enthusiasts for reasons I can't even remember)
Jeremy Britt (as opposed to the correct spelling, "Jeremy Brett"...which never draws anyone here, strangely enough)

CATEGORY THREE: UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENTS
Example searches:
spanking cowboys
cowboy spankers
top 10 classic spanking scenes in westerns
professional spankers
Etc. etc. etc., all because Big Red mentioned spanking cowboys once!

CATEGORY FOUR: GOOD QUESTIONS (FOR ANOTHER WEBSITE)
Example searches:
where did "cop a squat" come from?
what does "take my mount" mean?
brotherly names holmes (I'm giving this one the benefit of the doubt. I'm assuming there was a good question behind it. I mean, it certainly left me scratching my head.)

CATEGORY FIVE: CHUH?
Example searches:
britnay's spir in red tub
tee-shirt the witness balcony room
yiddish song spank (Spanking related, I know. But still...CHUH?!?)
cowboy steve vagina bandits (I'm not making that up. Much as I might wish I had.)
And, despite all that spanking nonsense, the single most disturbing search to ever bring someone to this website: steve hockensmith pornography

Really. I'd be nauseous if I weren't so perplexed.

Wait a second. Yup, there it is. I am nauseous.

There will now be a ten-minute recess while I go take an Alka-Seltzer and a hot shower.

Alright, I'm back.

If you haven't guessed already, Category Three's the one that's bringing in the most traffic these days. So how do I feel now that more people are coming to this site looking for spanking cowboys than my mystery-solving ones? Well, if you can't beat 'em (metaphorically speaking), join 'em, I say.

Today, I began work on the fifth book in the "Holmes on the Range" series: Spankmasters of the Yukon!, to be followed immediately by Paddles of Justice and The Bottom Blisterers. Coming soon to a Google search near you.

Or near me, anyway. Way too near....

Steve Hockensmith
March 7, 2008

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!