Don't let that Hockensmith feller fool you. I have not opened a University of Nebraska trinket shop in Phoenix, Arizona. I've husked a fair amount of corn in my day, sure, but a Cornhusker I am not. Remember, friends -- Old Red and I hail from Kansas. Go, Jayhawks!
Not that either me or my brother went to the University of Kansas. Or the University of Anywhere, for that matter. And we've never even seen a game of "foot-ball." But none of that matters. If you told me Kansas had official teams for hand-ball, head-ball or bumpy-spot-at-the-back-of-the-neck-ball, I'd root for them all. And the same goes for the state's competitive egg beating and dirt eating and underwater farting squads, too. State pride is state pride.
So what have I been up to, if not trying to sell the fine folks of Phoenix red sweatshirts and base-ball caps and key chains shaped like ears of half-husked corn? Well, I'll tell you. Today I've been watching cowboys spank people.
Not intentionally, mind you! I'm not Hockensmith. Spanking (or slapping) is not something I find amusing in the slightest (probably because of all those trips out to the woodshed I had to take when I was a lad).
No, it was Westerns I was trying to educate myself on, not depravity. After reading over Hockensmith's reaction to the Western Writers of America's "best of" movie list last week, I decided to do a little research, YouTube-style. (Did you know I'm the only person in the whole of the 19th century with DSL? True fact!) And when I typed in the magic word -- "Westerns" -- what to my wondering eyes should appear? You can see for yourself here.
Don't worry -- that's not a link to the video itself. Just to the YouTube search results page. For those of you too squeamish to even go there (and I don't blame any of you), here's what you're not seeing: The very first video to pop up is called "Top 10 Classic Spanking Scenes in Westerns." And there's no false advertising involved, because if you choose to watch it -- and I made it through the first minute purely out of professional curiosity -- you'll find yourself witnessing one Wild West butt-bruising after another.
As to whether these are truly "classic" spanking scenes, I do not consider myself qualified to say. Really, I'm not sure who should get to decide such a thing. The Western Spankers of America? Whoever it is, they've been busy, cuz there's a video for the "Top 10 Spanking Scenes in Cowboy TV Shows," too.
Who knew cowboys were so "kinky" (as you moderners might say). I've heard my fair share of jokes about the Village People and Brokeback Mountain since mixing with you 21st century types, but whoa nelly. Maybe you're really onto something. Because it's a revelation to me that there could be a top 10 for cowboy spanking scenes in TV or movies. I mean, think about it. How many cowboy spanking scenes didn't make the cut? Dozens? Hundreds? It's enough to make a man throw his arms up to heaven and cry, "Dear Lord...what's with all the spankin', anyhow?"
Now would probably be a good time to go on the record saying I have never spanked a soul. Nor have I ever seen a full-grown cowboy throw a spicy little filly over his knee and give her a few playful thwacks to the backside. But if Hollywood is to be believed, us cowboys barely got any drovering done for all the keister-slapping we got to.
Kinda makes me wonder if I haven't been missing out on something....
Otto "Big Red" Amlingmeyer
July 12, 1893